I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
