the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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