You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
