hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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