you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Your penis caused this!
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