Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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