I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
