1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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