Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
