Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
