mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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