She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
