It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
