Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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