; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
