Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
