I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
