I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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