I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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