it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
