I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
