you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
