Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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