i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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