i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
