Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
