Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
