I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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