so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
