my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
