I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
