You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
