i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
