you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
