I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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