thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
