Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
