if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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