Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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