a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
