Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
