Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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