that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
