it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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