i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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