the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
