I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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