Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
