Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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