Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
