so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
