she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
