ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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