Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
