I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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