I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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